Down came the rain

Dear Friends, I can barely see the screen from all the tears in my eyes. I am so pathetic today that it's not even funny. I know you're wondering what's wrong...possibly thinking that something bad happened or that maybe someone is sick/injured. Thankfully we are all fine. Well, if you can call the depressed state that I'm in fine, then I guess that's what we are.

I don't understand what's wrong with me, but I'm scared. I'm so confused as to why I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster right now. I mean, my son's a year old! Enough with the postpartum depression already!

I know that I forgot to take my Zoloft on Saturday, thus I was EXTREMELY dizzy and irritable yesterday. I remembered my medicine yesterday and today so why all the drama??

After work William and I hurried home to crawl back into bed for a rainy day nap. I've been in my PJ's since 2:00. Thinking of how pathetic this act is makes me feel guilty for not playing with my son, instead I nursed him to sleep. Feeling guilty makes me sad, being sad makes me cry, and crying makes my eyes/head/sinuses hurt. See the downward spiral?

I'm sure that the endless pile of "to-do's" around our home only adds to my stress level. There are thank-you cards to write, floors to vacuum and mop, a bathroom to clean, laundry to put away, Easter decorations that need to be labeled and stored, curtains that need to be re-hung (they were taken down two weeks ago for replacement windows), closets that need organized, dishes that need to be washed, and a little boy that needs a mommy that has enough energy to play with him and take care of the household work. I am overwhelmed. The sad part is that I realize everyone has the same chores to do, but somehow they get them done. What's wrong with me that makes me unable to de-clutter the pile of papers/decorations/pictures/Easter candy off of William's high-chair. Don't worry, William is getting fed...I'm not that bad off! He eats at a booster at the table. I now use the highchair as an extra surface for me to use as my overflow pile.

I didn't even make supper tonight. Sean warmed up a frozen dinner and I scrambled William an egg and he had that along with some fresh fruit and cereal. I love to cook...normally. Again, what kept me from making dinner? Maybe it's the overwhelming fact that summer is approaching and I have no clue as to what I will be doing. No clue as to how we'll make it. No clue how we're going to pay our car loans this month...let alone have enough to put into savings. If only our insurance would actually pay something, maybe then we wouldn't be paying off our beautiful son's birth for 5 agonizing years! I also have no clue how we expect to sell one of our vehicles in this economy. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about that. We've decided to put up both of our cars for sale and sell whichever one gets a bite first (Please be Sean's, please be Sean's). Hopefully this will help our financial situation and you won't hear me complain (as much). I am driving myself crazy over all the unknowns that we have in our lives.

Please, friends, please pray for me. I covet your love and prayers right now. I am yearning to be the wife and mother that God wants me to be. I am so desperate be rid of this relentless depression and to be "normal" again. If you have any suggestions as to what may help me, please feel free to leave a comment. I feel like I am having such a pity party over here, but I definitely needed to get all my emotions out. Thank you for listening, errr reading. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a more positive, up-beat post for you.

-Erin

p.s. Don't think I've forgotten about Sweet Stellan. I have been praying for him and his family relentlessly all day. Please join me in prayer while he undergoes his heart surgery tomorrow. Live, Stellan, Live!!